*wakes up in a startled sweat* AH!

What year is it?!

That’s what I’d normally be feeling right about this time (the sweat thing still applies) but I actually came into this year a little slower. Sure, it snuck up on me as it does all of us, but it was a sneaking I was aware of. Like when you play hide-and-seek with a toddler. You know they’re coming, but you make believe like it was a big surprise. I was waiting for this year to end. Was it 2020 bad? No. Is it silly to compare bad years to other bad years? Yeah.

Let’s start this one off right.

[NOTE: I had this intro written down in a notebook prior to posting, thinking I could get this up on the 1st. Getting it up on the 3rd is a little contradictory, but let’s not be too hard on ourselves.]

Me and Lily
Lily the Cat isn’t giving me a hard time about a rough year.

Quick update on where I’m at mentally: Therapy. That’s the long and short of it. Surviving a worldwide pandemic, lasting through a divided political news hellscape that gave me panic attacks which forced me to see a doctor, learning how to be a father, being a father, and constantly worrying if I’ve made the right career move on a near daily basis, finally made me go, “Oh yeah. I should, uh, I should probably talk to someone.”

Journaling helped. Not enough.

It’s been going well, in case anyone was curious.

Mentally, I’m still here, in Star Wars Land at Disney, just before Christmas, raining, with a hood up and pretending to be a Jedi.

2023 Books #35, 36, 37

GREEN LANTERN by Geoff Johns and co. (but especially Ivan Reis)

“…even Green Lanterns struggle with those.”

SINESTRO, Geoff Johns

Why did I start re-reading these books?

Because I needed courage. These three of this particular run, especially, are what gives me life. It reminds me of a time when I was young, when I was unafraid, when I though to myself, “Why not me?”

And I guess I wanted to feel that way again. To feel brave. To feel willpower coursing through my hands that could be channeled and harnessed. To not let anything stand in front of me. And to remind myself that it’s okay if I don’t always feel that way. Like the man said:

GREEN LANTERN by Geoff Johns (AMAZON) [This might just be the easiest way to read this now]

PROJECT UPDATE:

GREY – Middle grade science-fiction. Currently Querying. Though, I’m starting to doubt this one. Maybe it’s because I haven’t opened the document in several months, but I’m worried it might not be good enough. It went through all the revisions and rewrites I expect from any of my other work, but it’s received nearly 30 passes from agents. Maybe something is off. Did I actually write the story I intended to write, how the little things that make up who we are can save the world? Or did I write bad DOCTOR WHO fan fiction?

NESS – Middle grade contemporary fantasy/paranormal adventure. Currently querying. An agent requested the full manuscript two days after I submitted it (the same one who requested the full manuscript for GREY so clearly I’m doing something right, just not sure what it is yet) but I haven’t heard back from them. All other agents have replied, with two about to pass their deadline for reply time. This means the agent lists on their website something along the lines of “If you don’t hear back from us in 6-8 weeks, consider is a pass.” Wanted to wait until the New Year officially got started before I really got back into the querying trenches.

BIANCA – Middle grade contemporary fantasy. 3rd draft. Still making changes to the manuscript based off the red pen edits I did back in August. Why is it now January and this still isn’t done? Well, if I told you, then you’d understand why I’m in therapy. We’re back on it this week and hoping for good things.

Might have gone TOO overboard with buying notebooks at Disneyland…
…Nah.

This gave me a thought, a notion, that’s stuck with me. Something positive, but let’s see if it makes any sense.

My whole job now (besides being the stay-at-home father to three boys) is to write. To try and write something that someone else will like enough to buy. That’s it. It’s a simple concept, but one not many other writes in my position think about, I’m sure. I certainly didn’t. I can’t be alone in how I used to think, and I’m sure I’m not alone in this realization.

But how do I know I’ve written something someone else will like? Querying is sending your work to agents, experienced individuals in the field who should know if something can sell, and signing you on. It’s a giant task to undertake, one many people already walk away from.

Why not me? Why not my story? My story is a spear, and spears kill giants. That’s how I have to think.

I don’t know what 2024 is going to bring. I wish I had a clue, but I don’t. I didn’t expect to move houses for sad reasons, to lose my grandfather, to lose my cat, to fall to the bottomless bottom of my own feelings to the point where I needed to start therapy, to doubt myself, to feel worthless, to feel overwhelming joy when my son looked at me and said, “Papa, you’re the best,” and then gave me a thumbs up.

All I can do is the best I can.

Thanks for reading,

Follow me:

Threads: @RobAcosta

BlueSky: @robacosta.bsky.social

Instagram: @robacosta

E-mail: robertmichaelacosta@gmail.com