*NOTE: This entry comes to you from my Morning Pages journal, dated 8.3.2023*

I turned 36 today.

An arbitrary age for many, yes, but one that holds a lot of significance for me.

For anyone new to this. I’m a huge DOCTOR WHO fan. I came into the show in 2011, right in the middle of Matt Smith’s run, just before it all exploded in popularity for the 50th Anniversary. Though Smith was the 11th incarnation of the Doctor, in all his knobby kneed glory, when I started watching, the one who hooked me was I imagine the one who hooked everyone and came right before Smith.

Tennant. The 10th Doctor.

This has been my computer wallpaper, on and off, for like twelve years…

Dashing, intense, with that tragically dark edge, he was MY Doctor. In fact, Tennant’s 10th Doctor gave me the focus I needed through which to channel my teacher energy. I BECAME a teacher when I started watching his episodes. After all, teaching is just an act and this was an act I wanted to be just like. I loved it so much I have my own 10th Doctor cosplay. (The featured image is proof of that, though it’s about seven years old and I am no longer that thin…)

Now, what does this have to do with my turning 36?

Tennant, a brilliant actor outside the realm of spacetime, earned the role to play the famous Time Lord in 2005. He was 34 at the time.

His first season premiered when he was 35.

…see where I’m going with this?

His first season as The Doctor, the reboot’s 2nd season, is arguably the thing that launched him to the state of fame he has now. Not to say he wasn’t talented and a respected actor before, but you know how these things work. His turn in the T.A.R.D.I.S. was the thing. It made him. That 2nd season was his year.

And, on my birthday in 2022, I made a promise.

“Get an agent by the time you turn 36, or reevaluate what you’re doing with your life.”

Here we are.

36.

No agent. No book deal. Not even the faint hope of an eventual “Yes” for that long standing revise & resubmit I was hoping for. Yes, that’s right, I finally heard back from the agent who pushed me to rewrite Project GREY and send it back to them. They liked it so much, they wanted to see me fix it. I waited a year and half on that answer.

And it was still no.

It’s just me, some manuscripts, and a whole lotta nothing.

Where does that leave me?

Forced to reevaluate.

I started on this journey in 2016, stepping away from the classroom to pursue a career in tutoring to allow my free time to open up to write. A nd write I did. A couple books, some short stories, a bunch of journals, a buttload of Field Notes, and hundreds of freelance articles. I’d say that’s a pretty solid catalogue of writing. Something to start with.

But did I do it?

No. Not really.

None of that is enough to help support my family. And this meant that even that paid work was becoming a hindrance with the stay-at-home dad duties. I stopped freelancing just over a year ago. The arrival of Baby C was just too much at the time.

35 was supposed to be the year. I promised myself. If I didn’t make it, then I’d go back to the classroom full-time.

But I’m not.

While I always kept teaching in my back pocket as a backup plan in case anything went wrong, this year motivated my wife and I to look at finances more closely. You know, that thing everyone loves to do. Surprising no one, teaching doesn’t pay a lot. So when it comes to either, a) go back to work and pay for a new car, car insurance, child care, and then take what’s leftover to financially support the house, or, b) stay home with the kids and keep your sanity, the choice was already made for me.

And it broke me.

I’m still a little broken, to be honest, knowing that even my ace-in-the-hole safety net is full of holes.

My laptop broke. I’m using an old one from eight years ago. Things were just piling up. I could feel my brain expanding to the point of breaking.

But I’m still here. I guess that’s enough. With no reasonable way out (I can go back to teaching, it just doesn’t make sense yet), I guess I’m stuck. Stuck writing. Stuck making this work. I have no choice.

Honestly, that feels good.

Thanks for reading,

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