Decided to bring back the STATUS label for these types of posts, small snippets without much else going on. Not a review, not a “what did I learn about writing this week?” type of blog, no. Just me, talking into the digital wilds, and hoping to make sense in my mind.
Earlier this week I shared this:
Being a dad and a writer is hard. Really hard. If you google “How to write when you have kids?” what you have is a bunch of parents who worked through whatever I’m going through right now to come out the other side with a little bit of clarity. They have schedules, deadlines, a willingness to change with the flow of their child’s schedules. Me? None of those things.
But googling that did remind me of the gift we have in the internet: the ability to read and learn about anything. I forgot.
When I worried, or used to worry, I would google and research everything. I would read or learn as much as I could about a topic until I understood all of it. I forgot that.
I burnt out.
As a parent, a new one specifically, you are always permanently on-call, you’re steering is broken because everything you do doesn’t matter by days end, and every day you ask yourself if what you’re doing is right.
I know my boys are happy. They laugh a thousand times a day, they love the things they love (Pokemon, Bluey, books, running outside, sports, whatever), and they give me a good night kiss every night.
It doesn’t matter. I still end the day thinking I failed. Thinking I didn’t do enough. Thinking I didn’t try enough. Thinking, “What’s the point of picking that toy up off the floor if it’s just going to end up there tomorrow?” Broken steering. Always on-call. Doubting the mission.
Writing about this now is a major help and all I’ve done is acknowledge it. My wife and I are discussing therapy for me, talking to someone outside of the marriage, to help isolate and heal these thoughts. We’ll see how that goes.
Take steps to fix what’s wrong. Even if the step is an inch, you’re a little farther than where you just were.
(I wrote this whole thing in 7 minutes. I would love to spend more time fixing it up, adding parts on, and doing what I can to make it worth the time of the people who are reading it. But that’s not the point of STATUS posts. They’re small windows into where I am now, so hopefully, I can see the greater house.)
Thanks for reading,